Mainstream Mindset

I’ve just run out of things to say. 

Temporarily. 

There was a time in my dream when I could look out and see the city, having met the love of my life at her sister’s wedding. Why I would’ve been a part of that wedding, I don’t know, but I was there and by god she kept spilling coffee on me, having tried catching it with a graduation cap. And finally - finally - I had to tell her, “Sweetheart, you keep doing that, and it’s not working, and I’d like you to stop because I’m wearing white and you’re going to stain it.” I could still see the city. I never felt more comfortable. A woman sat before me, and she shuffled through completed portrait permission forms which I suppose should’ve been my job. But I was part of this wedding, wasn’t I? I had better things to be doing. The wedding party shuffled to a room to begin preparation for the whole thing. It was scheduled to start at 1. Oh, but it was 4. Now it was just a little after 3. Regardless, we were late. I wondered why. The guests were waiting. 

And so I handed a flower (yellow) to my new love, then wondered when we’d make it Facebook official. 

Soon, soon.

When did this ever stop being about serious thoughts (srs bsns)? 

I am more profound in my sleep. I had a profound feeling during my dream the other night. It was lovely, if I do say so myself. I looked up at the sky. I could see space, and it was very vivid. I saw the stars, only there were many of them and they all streaked across the sky as though the Earth was moving at hyperspeed. I remember thinking that it was statistically likely that our planet would collide with one of those stars at some point, and really it could happen at any second with no warning. It made me consider how fragile everything is. The colors stick out in my head the most. If I could paint, I’d love to paint the scene. All sorts of dark, majestic hues. Blacks and blues and purples and shadows of a city in the distance. 

At some point I held out my arms and jumped up into the sky. 

And I flew.

There is, as they say, no inspiration to say anything, so when you have nothing to say, best not to say anything at all.

Not that I follow my own advice.

Rough day. I want to talk about it just enough to let everyone know I’m miserable, and then I want to shut up.

Not every day can be sunshine and roses.

Is there a way to talk about any of this without sounding trite? I just don’t know what to make of any of this anymore, right? I’m stuck between all of these wild emotions, and I keep having irrational thoughts of, “Keep going; you’ll get what you want eventually.”

I’m lying to myself if I try to pretend my feelings aren’t what they are. It’s so blatantly obvious as soon as I let my guard down and allow my mind to wander. The things I imagine? The people I’m with? The way we relate? Those aren’t random situations that my mind just happens to conjure up. Those are actual desires. I can lie to myself all day, but I’m not fooling anyone. By denying the obvious to myself, I think I’m attempting to protect my feelings. If I tell myself I have nothing at stake in this relationship, then what do I have to lose if it should go bad?

I’m already on track for a painful letdown. That’s the sucky thing. Objectively, I know this to be the case. Whenever I actually sit down and look at the situation realistically (and figure out my chances), I’m just all like

Plenty of this is pride-driven.

Ego, I guess.

Self-esteem, if we want to be negative about it. Maybe I’m basing my self-worth on this, but I can’t help it. Even if I can see where I’m heading emotionally, I can’t stop myself from picking our conversations apart for hours after it’s all said and done, and going, “What was that supposed to mean, anyway?” It kills me.